The Kübler-Ross model is inaccurate and unreliable. There is no order in grief; only pure chaos. Surprising myself. Holding up. Not getting enough sleep. Not wanting to wake up. Not wanting to go to sleep. Longing. Sorrow. Unbearable sadness. Pretending. Pain. Pain in the chest. Pain in the stomach. Puking. Not wanting to be around people. Trying to be around people. Getting even sadder being around people. Disconnecting. Getting annoyed by everyone’s lives and social media updates. Getting off social media. Getting confused. Being intolerant. Being uncaring. Being numb. Being indifferent. Enjoying the curse words again. Being a lousier and a worse friend. Being selfish. Feeling happy then immediately feeling deeply sad. Loneliness. Self-pity. Not depressed. Anger, lots of it. Drinking. Getting irritated and angry so easily. Wanting to start fights. Being rude and mean. Violence and murder in my mind. Feeling guilty for being angry at a lot of people. Crying for no reason. Not wanting to cry anymore. Heavy heart. Darkness. Of course, I am okay. Binge watching TV series. Breaking down on weekends. Memory flashbacks. Losing purpose and meaning. Losing interest in writing. Losing interest in reading. Losing interest in any hobby. Losing interest in church. Losing interest in planning for the future. Losing appetite for color. Wanting to go away. Wanting to quit my job. Feeling empty. Feeling exhausted. Generally so lost. Having no idea what I am even doing anymore. Wondering why I seem to be wasting my life. Wondering what to do with my life. Accepting I will be alone for always. Expecting not to be cared for and not to be cared about. Expecting people not to like me. Expecting not to be loved. Expecting not to be missed. Being surprised and confused when people are nice to me or try to care for me. Forgetting. No home. Refusing to use the past tense in any sentences about my mother. Remembering my mother. Picturing my mother. Begging to be in a dream with my mother. Mamang. Self-care. Chris Evans. Aromatherapy. Just breathe. Show up. Continue. Hope. Life goes on. We all will die anyway.